【by Olivia Silvey】

1.
Here I feel stripped to the bone
In the most lovely way.
My brain feels what my body does —
I feel desire,
Longing,
But not in a way like I’m being flushed
down the drain,
But in a way like
My arteries are racetracks that finally
Have cars speeding around them again.
My body has been under construction
For so long — there is only so much
Infrastructure to be improved,
tax dollars to be spent. The walls
Of my dams are breaking, spilling over,
Soaking the countryside in water
That hasn’t seen sun
For a long,
Long time.
Female desire is a funny thing,
An odd specimen,
A well-kept dragon,
A bloody lip or runny nose,
The wind on the ocean and the white caps
it produces.
It is feeling nothing at
the right moment — an invitation at night, charged movie scene, private kiss —
And feeling everything at
the wrong one —a stranger’s warm arm on yours in a crowd, the way
the light hits your naked body in the mirror
While getting dressed, wind pressing you from every direction
while walking to work.
Everything and nothing, right and
wrong and in between and
Warm honey in my throat
Legs falling asleep on the couch
wanting to rip through
The TV screen and come out the other side
A different person
In a different world.
It’s shame when I’m alone, deep
Burning shame by just trying to fall asleep after a long day
Or scrubbing my scalp clean in the shower.
Even now, at this very moment
Of writing,
I feel silly, writing about female desire.
It’s overdone,
It’s debunked,
Everyone knows already.
I don’t, though, I don’t —
I’m still learning
With each day and touch and
Unspoken word
I’m still learning.

2.
I am sitting on the rocks of the sea
Watching the water
Explore every crevice, every square inch
It can find,
Coming back over and over again
Forcefully
And then softly
whirlpools back again.
I am sitting on the rocks watching the sea
Wishing someone could do the same
For me, explore
And come back and explore
And come back.
Explode white froth on black stone
Not out of anger but
out of joy and the realization that
even as the sea carves out the rock,
Day by day by month by year by century,
the rock still waits,
Lets in, embraces and relaxes
Allows in and waves goodbye.

3.
I like thinking about someone —
Even more,
I like thinking about someone I shouldn’t
It can never be simple
It has to be just right
Not too sweet with a little salt
and enough sour to make me pucker
but not too much that my eyes tear up –
I like thinking about hands and late afternoons
And smoke haze and eyes on me with
Mine looking forward
Sitting at the table close enough
To feel heat but not touching
Long eyelashes and that skin under jawbone
Both knowing and wondering what it tastes like
I want to think about her when I
Get dressed in the morning
And him before I hop in the shower at night
Toes digging into the sand
Is everywhere where it shouldn’t but it’s okay
Because you put it there.
I like thinking about you when I’m on the beach
Especially when it’s windy
And then the wind stops and I can feel
You — I mean the sun —
Simmering on my skin.
Did you know I like wide open spaces?
Like here where the mountains
Close me in except for the one little
Inlet out to sea
I can catch my breath here
And lose it over again –
I like laying in the sand, waiting for my sweat to pool in my eyelids and then
Wading into the slippery blue
And pretending it’s your hands sliding up
Up up and down me
cooling my fever from the sun.
As I write this and look at my hip bones
Where the winter white meets summer brown
I wonder how you would fit in
to the color scheme, I think
it would look great but who’s asking —
This feels like our secret because
I’m sure you’re having these thoughts too
on some other beach
Halfway across the world
I wish I knew and also hope I never
find out
So you can stay the waves and wide open spaces
In my head,
On this beach.