【by Maria Korman】
The fanfare of the music swells, the metal doors slide apart. And the Minion is blasted off, out of the giant cannon and into Gru’s laboratory, his legs already running even though he’s still in mid-air. He swings from a chain of five overall-clad minions, his buddies, and this gives him even more momentum, so that by the time he’s on the tarmac he’s running so fast he almost tumbles over.
He’s been waiting a long time for this moment, the anticipation building in his chest. He’s on the last level of Gru’s Laboratory, and next up is the Residential Area, where the love of his life, the crush of his dreams, Lucy, awaits. Granted, he doesn’t know if she’s waiting on him. She probably isn’t even aware of his existence, probably because there are at least a hundred other minions that look exactly like him, with his silly referee hat and jean overalls.
He’s been daydreaming though. He’s startled suddenly by the appearance of a Rocket in front of him, seconds away from head-on collision. Luckily, the Thumb has it under control. The Thumb sends him flying into the air, head over heels, avoiding the Rocket by at least twenty feet. He’s dizzy now, but he lets out a giddy sound that’s supposed to be Minion laughter. Eeeeheeehahahaha! It’s so that the player, whoever is behind the mysterious Thumb, thinks that the Minion is enjoying himself as well.
Electrical wire is fast approaching, and the Minion braces himself. He executes a tight roll-in-motion, head over heels again, the red wire sizzling hot above his head. He clears it perfectly, and runs on. He even manages to grab a Banana Split—a powerup that doubles the number of bananas that he collects. The Minion feels a little sparkle of pride in his chest. So far so good, he muses, and giggles again, this time with genuine mirth. He’s exhilarated now, the adrenaline of the run settling into his bones like a caffeine high. Not that he’s ever had coffee before. His Minion friends, the ones who already advanced into the Residential Area and even beyond, say they’ve seen Lucy drinking it, sitting by her living room window.
A ramp looms ahead, but ramps are easy, and he runs over it quickly, collecting double-bananas and happily watching the number to his left tick upward. The ramp is so easy that the Thumb swipes upward and makes him jump, just for the hell of it. The Minion lands hard onto the ground, his feet tingling, a little out of breath. Ouch, he thinks. What the hell?
It’s alright though. The Thumb got excited, and why shouldn’t it have? They are doing well, they’re the dynamic duo, and he couldn’t have asked for a better partner. The Minion trusts the Thumb, because the Thumb has always saved him so far. And every time there is a collision, and he’s hit with a Vacuum Cleaner, the Minion assumes it’s his own fault. The Thumb can do no wrong, the Thumb has his best intentions in mind. After all, don’t they want the same thing? Yes, to collect as many bananas as humanly possible, but also to escape Gru’s Laboratory and unlock the next level. Where Lucy awaits with her bright smile to welcome him home, somewhere among the winding roads of the Residential Area.
Up next is the slide, a big green half-tube full of bananas. The Thumb swipes up, and the Minion leaps onto it and coasts downward, collecting lots of bananas. Lively music plays in the background continuously, and it gives the Minion an almost electric sense of adventure. There is no place else he would rather be. His work is cut out for him, he and the Thumb are damn good at what they do. The banana counter in the top left has reached almost five hundred now. This is a long run, and the longer the run, the riskier it becomes, but the minion is confident. He giggles to himself and knocks a fellow Minion down. That’s another part of his job—destroying his fellow Minions by ramming into them. But often these Minions hide right in front of Rockets, so that the Minion has to nearly collide with the Rocket only to dodge at the last second. It’s kind of stupid, when he takes the time to think about it, but it’s also fun. It’s fun to hear them shriek, and tumble into the air and smash into the screen. It’s fun to get a Despicable Point (three points if it’s a Purple Minion).
He’s been daydreaming again. This time, The Thumb can’t save him. Another rocket looms, taller this time, and he smashes into it painfully. Both he and the rocket fly backwards, and then the Minion experiences a painful moment of self-awareness. The tarmac and the rocket fall away, and he sees himself from above, sitting sad and dazed. This always happens when he has a collision, and he hates it every time. He takes deep breaths, trying not to hyperventilate.
It passes soon, though. He’s yanked up and out of the game, and then the Thumb presses Play Again and he’s back again. The music swells, the metal doors open, the giant cannon and then the Minion-chain give him a head start.
He has to be alert now, no time for zoning out. This level is the hardest for a reason. This is the fifth or so time that they’ve tried to beat it, but every time it’s something new that wipes the Minion out. The Vacuum Cleaners, previously stationary, actually move now. Their little wheels spin under them so fast that sparks fly. They are black, ominous things, monsters of destruction. The Minion quakes a little in his construction boots at the thought.
He jumps to collect another Banana Split, and then a Banana Vacuum, and feels a tiny bit better. But then he sees a black Vacuum Cleaner in the distance, and another two behind it. He can’t stop running. He is moving towards them rapidly, and they’re also moving towards him, and suddenly they’re meters away. He skids out of his way, dodges left. The screen reads “Near Miss” in giant white letters for a second. He doesn’t need to be reminded; his racing heartbeat is enough. How many more near misses can he take before he has an aneurism?!
He’s getting tired now. He wonders if the Thumb is tired too, and whether they are on the same page, after all. He yearns to see the screen turn to all-white and the orange jumping letters to proclaim, “Mission complete!” He pictures the Residential Area with its cozy colorful houses, the avenues lush with green trees. He’s never been there, but he imagines it smells nice, and that soft music floats on the gentle breeze. The music in Gru’s Laboratory is starting to get on his nerves, already frayed.
He glimpses a Purple Minion in his peripheral vision (3 points!) and moves to knock him down. He doesn’t feel the same sense of glee as before, though, and when the Minion shrieks and falls against the screen, he suddenly feels a pang of remorse.
What’s wrong with me? he wonders. He knows that Purple Minions are evil—they were once yellow, but drank El Macho’s potion and morphed into the worst versions of themselves. That Purple Minion would probably murder him in his sleep given the chance—but still, he feels sick to his stomach with guilt.
His feet pound against the path, but the run suddenly feels different now, desaturated. He leaps on autopilot now, and the little clumps of bananas hanging midair don’t fill him with excitement. He sees more black Vacuum Cleaners in the distance, and feels weary down to his Minion bones. He doesn’t even have the energy to dodge now, just keeps running straight. To hell with it all, he thinks. But the Thumb has other plans. The Thumb, ever-reliable, swipes him left and prolongs his agonizing journey. The Thumb makes him jump again, and giggle.
Lucy, the Minion thinks tiredly. Lucy. And he sees her again, her cheery grin, her red hair coiffed perfectly, the freckles on her nose. But the vision brings no joy now, only a suffocating pain in his chest. He will never beat this level. There is no Lucy here, he realizes, only shrieking Minions, green slides, and the gray road stretching into infinity.
The next time he sees a Vacuum Cleaner, he keeps his cool. He steers clear of it way ahead of time, so that the Thumb never suspects a thing. Even as the distance between them shrinks, his heart pounds through his overalls, and his palms sweat. At the last possible moment, he squeezes his eyes shut and leaps in front of the Vacuum Cleaner.
Normally, he would just respawn back into the laboratory, but this time is different. This time, he acted without the Thumb, and he hopes that the game will react to his defiance with an equally drastic response. Like wiping him out. Replacing him with another Minion.
But the darkness never comes. The screen itself explodes into a million tiny glass shards, and all of it falls away—the Vacuum Cleaners, the tarmac, his overalls. The Minion is falling, falling out of the game. He shuts his eyes and screams in fear, and slams into another kind of ground entirely, a wooden floor in someone’s house. He lays there, trembling with shock and pain.
Above his head, he hears a child’s voice, saying over and over, “Stupid game! Stupid game!” There is a sound of repeated smashing.
He peels open one eyelid, glances upwards, and sees red hair. Lucy! He thinks. “Lucy!” he screams. And then he’s running again, towards her, leaping for joy, the game forgotten, the bananas forgotten. And the five-year-old redhead pushes her glasses higher on her face, raises a sneakered foot, and stomps down hard.